Not Phileas Fogg, or London smog which can often be romanticised as fog, or the misty fog that is in Wuthering Heights. But the mind fog.
In a meltdown the other day which I tastefully had during a walk in the snow blizzard, you have to give me props for my style whilst having said meltdown it was very atmospheric! I ended up blubbering ‘I am just so lonely’. Saying it out loud, was both a massive relief and a slight shock.
Because I am lonely, sometimes overwhelmingly so. It is not due to lack of friends (not to blow my own trumpet…when really I am blowing yours as you are the great ones…and none of this is an innuendo) or even the amount of time I see said friends and family. But I feel like since motherhood started, or truthfully maybe before, but since having Faith I am more aware of it, I can spend long bouts of time in a fog that keeps me isolated. I can be around Mike, but it feels like we are seperate, I can see friends but I feel distance.
I hope this isn’t sounding too self-piteous, because I am so aware that I am so fortunate to have such a great partner in crime in Mike, and a truly amazing group of family and mates. But this season, it has been tough and sometimes I don’t know how to get out of it.
I am putting it down here, because I am external processor (no s#*t sherlock, I hear you all thinking) because maybe there are others who feel the same? And even though knowing someone else is feeling similar doesn’t change the situation there is a bit of solidarity.
We see people everyday, and Faith is often attached to me (physically or through the medium of snot or dribble…that stuff can stretch…sorry for the grim picture) but most days I feel the fog of loneliness creep around me.
But there are also glimmers of hope that things are a changing, like the time of celebration breaking through in Narnia after it had always been Winter but never Christmas. I am so grateful for the patient understanding people have shown me, waiting for me, bearing with, holding on for the evenings of belly laughter and silliness that we know will come.
Obviously its not all doom and gloom; season 2 of the Crown is on, my daughter is giggling and fearless in her approach to life (I couldn’t be prouder), insta stories keep me smiling, Mike has made stollen, and also some advent reflections have really reminded me of ‘the Peace that surpasses all understanding’ that can be felt amongst the pain.
Psalm 46: 5 ‘God is in the centre of her. She will not be moved. God will help her when the morning comes.’
So there we go…and like fog, loneliness can blur things, reduce vision, but it also is often temporary. And you know what life isn’t all sunshine but it doesn’t mean its not good.