Yesterday I went to see a friend who has a 10 week old bubba and she said I just don’t know where the me part has gone.
And oh I remember those times, I feel I am still in those times…my body is no longer feeding her but she still wants to be in my arms for comfort…and I love it…but where do I end and she begin…its all a blur…and its magical. But I have always identified myself as an individual before her, even though I am married, it was still Jen and Mike-I was an entity of my own.
And then she arrived into the world, and her joy and smiles became a life source, her cries and pain ripped me in two. But sometimes when she falls asleep I wonder where am I? Now she is at the stage I am no longer shattered to the point where I will be a space zombie any time I have 2 seconds without her demanding something…well most the time at least, 10am at playgroups seems to still do this to me?! And this piece isn’t to say I don’t love being a mum-I do and it brought life to me that I couldn’t have imagined.
But it is possible to feel lost and found at the same time…and pretending that one makes the other disappear doesn’t help. In addressing all the parts of us-we enrich the whole of us.
As I sat there next to my mate I wanted to reassure her, you will find you again I said. It just may be in pockets of time you least expect it and also you may be disappointed when moments you were sure would bring you back to yourself actually feel the most disorientating.
I think regardless of the reasoning we all have moments where we feel like we’ve lost what we were about. Maybe it’s a skill or passion you feel you have neglected or that those around you identify you by something you wish they didn’t? And sometimes the path to feeling ‘you’ again isn’t always found by retracing old steps.
Because we are always changing, and growing and adapting-so we can’t expect things to fit back into an old spot.
For example, I spent hours thinking I can’t wait to get out for a night and yet when I finally did I found myself in a pub chatting to a new Dad about teething and playdates… it wasn’t a bad thing, but I was thinking surely every aspect of my life doesn’t need to be directed by my baby?
But then tonight I got together at my neighbours house in the garden, and there was a lot of mum chat…and I got excited about having a few glasses of wine and was probably too loud, and sharing the same story over and over again. I honestly think my enthusiasm (which included me offering countless times to give them a tour of the local allotments…it was 10pm), was more to do with feeling like me again than the wine I was drinking.
Sometimes all we need is space and time to be reminded of who we are and where our home is.
I am definitely at home in late evenings in the garden, laughing and chatting and dreaming with friends. Its like I breathed in a little piece of me.