This is not my finest hour

This is not the most embarrassing time; accidentally starting to strip in a crowded room, comically slipping head over heels (or actually more ass over tit) on a banana skin on the way back from a night out or going dressed as king Kong to a party when I was 17 years old when everyone else looked hot-I was literally overheating, but refused to take the head off because I was too mortified that I had dressed as a gorilla when everyone else was Barbie and Madonna. Those were all pretty cringe.

No, that is not my current scenario. As my wonderful friend Adele wrote in a post a few days ago I am ‘working out of a place of struggle not of strength’.

I have so much love and support and am so fortunate with my family and friends (I picked well…or more likely, they were forced into friendship with me). I have been known to say I am friends with someone until it becomes a reality (that sounds a lot more stalkerish than it was, it was actually very endearing I am sure-is that right Meg and P?)

But flip an egg-I do not know where to go, or if I am waiting for something, or where/what/how/why…My life has become a weird Dr Seuss book/Dawsons Creek/Around the twist episode just sans the colour/hot actors and Cape Cod setting (although I do know Hot people-husband for example!) and finally no weird mythical beings. Does anyone else remember the around the twist episode where the youngest brother kissed a mermaid and then could pee really high?

I laugh, and we do really have to laugh because humour is essential to all of us like blackberries have become essential to my childs diet-they keep us going (in all ways!)

Now I find myself someone I am not particularly impressed with.

I want change but I don’t know how.

I seem to have lost all the energy to make even the next step. or to pick myself up with a project/party/pet (it always has to begin with a ‘p’).

I have no job and have no motivation to look for one, truth be told I feel crippled by lack of confidence, vision and inspiration. If anything I just feel pissed off. I don’t know what I want, and this lack of direction seems completely out of my grasp.

This summer I have taken a step back from a lot of the voluntary stuff I did-mostly because I hoped that by stepping back I would see what I could move into next, like some tactical chess move.

Except it hasn’t worked I have lost my queen and am headed for checkmate. Chess lingo because yes for a short stint of my life I was in a chess club.

Motherhood is currently similar to that of a Bear Gryls adventure-I feel pride at the small accomplishments, I spend a lot of time bewildered and I hope to God I don’t end up killing a pig Lord of the Flies style-because I can’t keep my shit together. Should clarify there are no pigs around-so that’s a bonus-also pigs are pretty lethal and just wouldn’t ever try, and as a side note we are trying to be more veggie.

My daughter is keen to try and do EVERYTHING, which leads to a lot of frustration because there are SOME/MANY THINGS she can’t do-which ends in her throwing herself/food/toys/sticks/clothes/people because she is very very angry about this.

It is exhausting.

She is incredible but so exhausting at the moment.

The antenatal forgot to mention that there might be a stage when every 5 minutes your lovely child has an epic meltdown usually reaching decibels you believed were impossible just because something (who the flip knows what) isn’t right. And the thing they just discarded in a rage you need to collect and take precious care of because you better believe they are going to want that back in 12 minutes time usually after you have dropped it/or thrown it away. And God forbid I try and stop her licking the inside of my belly button (I know gross right) at 2am-what an absolute witch I am.

Anyway, again I digress.

Sorry this is not more of a cheery post-sorry I can’t just seem to snap out of it, and get my butt into gear. Sorry I can’t seem to embrace the opportunity I have to be a stay at home mum-because honestly, despite the body licking-I do love being with her. Absolutely ridiculously I have actually been keen to try for a second child (We are not so for those asking if you can hear the pitter patter of tiny feet…it’s from somebody else’s womb*)

Sometimes I have this weird desire to have another family and live in a hole, away from everything. I would obviously hate this because I am an extrovert and claustrophobic. But still sometimes it sounds nice.

Let’s hope autumn brings change, and not just with the leaves.

*-what a flippin weird thing to say as well

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