I know some of you read this blog, not to laugh at my witty insights (although at rare moments they can be absolute genius, if I do say so myself), nor to marvel at my knowledge of 90s pop culture (I really should have written for Smash Hits (well ideally some TV version of Smash Hits)).
No, some of you read this to find more out about my ever elusive other half. I know because you tell me, and I know because I too have been caught up in wanting to know what he thinks for the last 9 years. Its a mystery that is both so attractive and annoying in equal measure.
I can tell you stories of him being kind and caring, and I am sure that rings true for a lot of you. Where he has gone out of his way to make you amazing food (the way he shows love I swear) . But I could also tell you stories of complete ambivalence on his part-like the time I told him I loved him and he replied with ‘thanks’ (I later tried to retract that statement, but a full retraction doesn’t seem possible with those 3 words) or when I leaned in to kiss him, and he lay back, leaving me literally hanging!It was like the opposite of all my 90s film/TV references
I am sure some of you are thinking ‘it sounds like he really isn’t in to her’ and believe me the thought crossed my mind and my lips many a time. But he tells me its not the case, and he did ask me to marry him…so. FYI I was clear I expected a kiss like above on our wedding day!! But this man is still a mystery to me.
I ask him his deep thoughts on things and his main response is ‘it was ok’. I, so determined, to truly understand him made up ‘fun’ (he says they are rubbish…but I feel that is too critical) games such as; ‘tell me something I don’t know about you’. I try and play them late at night, which I will now agree is not the best time for revelations, especially when you will probably be woken by a crying child in a few hours.
Where as I feel I need to be there to support, to encourage, to show my love for people in every way-he appears to not feel that social pressure. Of course he loves people-he just doesn’t feel the need to do all those things to demonstrate it like I do. Neither does he feel the need to make everyone a close friend. We are at two ends of the spectrum. He said at our wedding ‘welcome to my family and few friends, and welcome also to everyone my wife has ever met’-although that was not quite true, it does show how different we are.
And yet, the more he avoids sharing, the more he isn’t bothered about socialising or deep conversations or romantic gestures….the most sacred those things become, the more valuable those moments when he holds your hand/turns up at an event/sends a text/asks you how you are become.
Its like a catch 22 situation and I am feeding the monster.
For those of you wondering how he feels about me writing this blog, I can tell you his answer is ‘It stops her chatting away to me late at night, so it can only be a good thing’. And whilst that is true, I think he also wants to support me. He knows this blog gives me space to process, space that I do indeed need (and yes of course, space that he definitely needs!)
But I also see his actions and distance being misunderstood, and I include myself in this group, as uncaring, arrogant and judgemental. When actually he is just spent.
Anyway, friends and family. I have found the key/the map/the guide.
And its the Enneagram.
It’s a personality typing system-truth be told, I am not a massive fan of these things-I struggle with the idea of being categorised into one of 9 boxes. However, this is a platform-a starting block if you will. It helps you realise different perspectives, and how those filter our understanding and perception of the world around us.
Ok so on our ‘e’ date, yes we are the geeks that are trying to do ‘alphabet dates’ (and are nowhere near as good at is as our friends Robyn and Sarah), we started to look at the Enneagram (and eat…but tbh we we always eat).
Anyway, I came out as a 2 and Mike as a 5. I ate some rosemary chips and thought I should have planned something better than this…maybe a exhibition, watch ET, get our ears pierced (not really).
We didn’t have time to look into it much, but guys I have started to since then, and its like I have found out how to get a pearl out of an oyster (I saw this happen at Cricket St Thomas once when I was 7 and seriously, I have been obsessed by it since…yes it was a bit gimicky and yes they were selling them). But seriously, this is a REVELATION…my husband is a 5…this makes sense.
I just made him listen to part of a brilliant podcast about it; click here to listen to it and I was literally sitting there grinning as they talked about typical ‘5’ responses and described him.
So for those who want a bit more of a clue about my enigma of a husband…check it out.
Also for those interested in doing a test here’s a free one https://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/test
But I would suggest reading around all of the types as well.
And FYI food is always romantic, but flowers/gifts are nice too.