Today I looked like a pillock…I am aware, btw, that noone uses this word any more. Why not? Is it really offensive, or has it just been phased out like ‘knobhead’? If it is offensive, I am sorry, I have no idea of its meaning, other than looking like an idiot, and now I am too scared to google, even on ‘Private’ settings.

Anyway, I looked stupid, for one moment I thought I was winning at life, it turns out I wasn’t.

To set the scene, I fell under the illusion I was winning at life on good grounds. There were clear indications earlier on in the day.  They are as follows;

1.I had made it to an 8.40am appointment-sure by the skin of my teeth, and clutching, in a slightly frightening way, coffee and with no under-eye concealer on (my partner in crime everyday now). But I made it. Not sure why, because it was a bit rubbish. Dr’s appointment where ‘said GP’ forgot all about my previous 6 visits, even though they are on the screen in front of her. (Please note: I am well aware that GP’s see a lot of people, I don’t expect her to just remember everything-HOWEVER she had asked me to return for this appointment, 2 weeks after my last. And yet, every time I see looks at me like we have never met and we have the same dialogue…look at the screen lady. Right I divulge…

2. I was walking around town confidently with baby in the sling and backpack of ESSENTIALS on my back. Looking not that dissimilar to an obese beetle, one who happens to be wearing a bobble hat because she actually thinks the character Ashley, from Recess the cartoon, rocked that hat…so why can’t a mum in her 30s??

3. I went into wilkos and I found the correct lightbulb for my lamp, despite forgetting to write down the details before I left…MINOR MIRACLE

4. Despite gazing longingly, I DID NOT PURCHASE PIC’N’MIX at said Wilkos-because we are broke.

5. But I did allow myself to purchase a pizza sweet, because I had them at a party when I was 13 and think they are very cool…and it was 30p. Mike said “those sweets are always disappointing, they look so much better than they taste”

Ummmm I beg to differ…it was delish, and I don’t think the appearance is that good

So, those were the strong grounds I was winning at life (Plus I had done a few bits of life admin)

So understandably, I thought ‘Go and get you and your baby a little drink, go on treat yourself, she’s at a sweet stage (of laughing and crawling) and that there cafe they have toys and free babycino’ (‘that there cafe’ is the wonderful ‘The Kitchen’ on Silver street, ground floor of the Station-do highly recommend despite what happened next)

So we go in, see friends, say hi and have a nice chat, even place our order. Things seemed to have moved around, can’t see the toys and some people seem to be on the sofas in the corner that is perfect for penning in small children (Yes Penning in-like cattle-I am that mum, or more appropriately that is my daughter).

‘It’s ok I thought, we will just sit at a normal table, and play with my purse (endless fun can be had with a purse).

So for 2 blissful minutes my daughter happily removed all the vouchers, stamps and loyalty cards and handed them to me and I placed them on the table. Drinks then came, all good, couldn’t see teaspoons…they were there, I just was temporarily blind.

So I went for a dessert spoon to spoon warm milk into my daughters mouth. Alas, the spoon was too big and she mainly wanted to flail with it (I think she is seeing it as dancing). So then I tried helping her drink from the little cup, ohhhh boy she loved it…so much so she threw her hands up with delight and said cup and contents went everywhere.

‘No worries’ I thought/Actually I thought and mumbled different sentiments-but outwardly I remained calmish and went to mop it up. But my daughter wanted to try and  drink it from the table, which she also found hilarious …she hates waste. In my attempt to get her to refrain from that I knocked over more milk…the table is now swimming in milk, it is dripping off onto my coat and bag…and vouchers/loyalty cards and stamps are now a milky mess. And baby, is trying to crawl over everything licking milk from her hands and floor as she goes.

It’s at this point I think ‘WHAT THE FLIP was I thinking….she is at that crazy stage of laughing and crawling/trying to walk! I am not winning at life, I am barely surviving! Why did I get above my ranks? I am not demure, she is wild, if the toy/sofa pen is not free…then this all too much’

So I left in a hurry, after soaking through 20 (million) napkins and all vouchers/cards! Sorry Earth and Sorry Wallet!! I scrambled to load baby and backpack on, so much so I got my jacket tucked up in the sling, in a way that can only be described as ‘painful’ looking.

As I left I walked past M&S and briefly thought about getting a bra fitted and then I remembered that I was a giant beetle with catastrophic capabilities when I started to unload, and no-one in M&S needs that s#*t, especially no-one visiting the lingerie dept…So I went home.

So I am not the cool collected mum I thought I was, and despite my bobble hat I think it’ll take a while before I get there…but maybe my best mum years are ahead of me? Maybe I will absolutely win at being a mum in the teenage years?

Mmmmm Maybe not….

 

***On a plus, I did eat the pizza sweet on the way home and it was wonderful!