So I am inspired by a few glasses of sauvignon blanc and ‘the hotbed’ collective podcast and just because I have avoided this subject on here, and now I really can’t be arsed to avoid it any more. Yes, some of my relatives read this…and so do some people that may not love my opinions on this, and may be a tad surprised/offended of which I am sorry because that isn’t my aim.
But lets bloomin talk about sex…because well, Salt’n’Pepa told us to and because it is always a topic that could do with some honest airing.
I am a youth worker by trade, and am keen that young people get good sex education. That we provide safe spaces to talk about it and get informed. I am influenced by statistics and research, so if studies have shown that we can decrease sexual abuse and exploitation by using the correct anatomical names for things then ‘fouf’ is out and ‘vulva’ is in, even if it does embarrass me or any one else (mostly me…it embarrasses me, but I am not really sure why).
I am aware, thanks to my own ‘open discussion’ upbringing and my nature that its highly likely that my daughter will ask me a simple question about human biology and I will delve into the topic of human sexuality with an eagerness that will be overwhelming and scary! I was that daughter, I do not want to be that mother.
First off, she needs to learn to speak though…so I think I have got a while.
My main objective as a youth worker is that we challenge shame in all its different disguises and have healthy conversation that answers questions and doesn’t wrap the topic up in myth and secrecy. Sometimes clear and practical, and medical, advice is what is needed.
Do I think Sex is important? Heck yes…that’s why I just gave it a capital letter even though it’s mid sentence…it was not poor grammar but purposely done! Do I think that our sexuality links to our emotional, mental, spiritual and physical self-yes I do. Do I think our sexual self is precious and valuable-yup, although that word does make me cringe.
But do I think it is everything? No I don’t. So I get pissed off when the media/society/world tells us that if we are not having great sex, or any kind of sex, that we are not complete-I call BS. But when the church also tells us that sex is the beginning, middle and end of morality and that is all it is-well I call BS on that too.
I hope sex is a positive experience for you if you are having it.
I hope you know you can say ‘no’ to sex if you are not sure/want to wait/don’t feel ready/or up for it right now.
And I hope you can talk about sex, whether you are having it or not.
As you can tell I don’t have a problem talking about it, well most of the time.
But what about when you are not talking to teenagers, but talking to mums and dads in their 30s and 40s who have been with their partners for a long time? When the body insecurities aren’t the waxing conundrum of the early 20s but the fact that below your waist looks like its been put through a mangle and no matter how much body butter you slap on, will never go back to the way it was. That the ‘hot and steamy’ night you hoped for is less practical now you’ve got to get the kids to bed and return your home to some level of normal carnage.
What about communicating with your partner… Oh its a fun one isn’t it?
In the evening most of us are exhausted. You probably want to catch up on a box set or maybe go out and do something if you are that way inclined (That’s me acknowledging that some of you like to do sports and stuff)
The idea of sitting down and chatting about your sex life and where its headed well that doesn’t fill you with so much excitement. I have even tried subtly putting it into a ‘fun’ game, I have tried this with many other conversation topics…I have to admit my success rate is pretty low-apparently ‘question and answer games’ aren’t that fun?? I beg to differ…after all ’20 questions’ saw us through many a family camping trip!
Just to clarify the family game of ’20 questions’ had NOTHING to do with sex.
As awkward as it is a chat could probably help things a fair bit.
I cannot recommend the hot bed collective enough, they are on instagram and have a podcast. You may not agree with all the stuff you see and hear and that is ok, its just starting the conversations, and sometimes it is asking ourselves why we disagree.
I hope as my daughter gets older we can chat about this stuff, but I also hope she has good and wise people around her she can chat to too-cos lets be honest you don’t want to share everything with your mum, esp if she is a mum like me!
Sex-it is a moral, physical, emotional and spiritual thing and ultimately it is personal. There is a person behind the act and we need to remember that first and foremost.