When I fail

Sorry it is such a depressing start.

Frankly, it feels a bit shitty lately. Not 100% or even 75% but maybe a consistent 55% and for a while.

Oh Failure you just can’t avoid it…well obviously there are some people that avoid it more than others.

Probably people that used to pack their school bags the night before, or make sure they don’t look at a screen the hour before bed, or people that actually blow dry their hair every morning and as a child would ensure they didn’t pull out their french plait because it hurt their head. These people would be clean, tidy, organised, together and would never ever forget to brush their teeth.

I am sure those people are very nice…and obviously I am writing out of bitter jealousy that I am not that person.

So, anyhow here I am typing away on my bed wearing a thick dressing gown I bought for going into hospital to have Faith and it is covered in various food and drink items and snot. It is not flattering in any possible lighting. I am reflecting on how I screwed up another job interview, and how I haven’t managed to sort out family birthday presents or do ANY of the long list of things for a surprise party this Saturday. I have appointments to book (I am pretty sure I have left it too late) but I have managed to eat a few kgs of chocolate today.

I am aware that I have not been the friend I want to be…that there are text messages to be read, fb messages to be written and phone calls to return. Plus, possibly the darkest of most of the clouds there is the friend who hasn’t been in contact with me for over a year and leaves me wondering ‘how did we end up like this?’

I have over spent and need to earn money, but I also need a job because I want to feel like I can contribute something, do something-be a role model to Faith, and be excited about a job/project.

I rely heavily on my husband, who is the most understanding human I know, but I don’t want to always be taking and not giving.

I know this is just a season…but flippin heck when’s it going to change, and how do i help it along? I am reminded of a CDT project where I had to make a wooden mechanism that moved, I initially wanted to do a sun/raincloud rainbow combo…but it all went a bit Pete Tong so I changed it to a rabbit jumping out of a hat. It wouldn’t be so bad if you couldn’t see the outline of the weather through the paint!

It is ok to Fail…it happens pretty often, but my life sometimes it can suck ass.

Thank goodness for glimmers of Grace found in sunshine, walking and ducks. And in crying, and wiping your eyes and holding hands and remembering that change will happen.


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