Extroverted hole

I love people-love em-all of them, except when they annoy me or do something really really hurtful to others-then I struggle to love them. At those points I want to find old reruns of Dawsons Creek (4OD) and get lost in the beautiful and overly emotive world of the Creek-and look at Pacey and remind myself of the life we would have had if we’d met and sailed around the world laughing at everything and be tanned, beautiful, sarcastic people.

Obviously that is just a fantasy/nightmare (I currently have a fear of being out of my depth in water) and I am very happy with my life as it is. (Except it could be slightly improved by having hair that behaves, and a body less drawn to cake and gin)

Anyway, as per usual I have digressed..I am an extrovert. I am a classic case, there is no mistaking it..

My husband is the opposite-a clear introvert, he loves time away from people it delights him (and we as his family are included in that…Faith is more of an exception than I am).

We often have discussions about socialising and how I don’t always appreciate how hard he can find it. That is true, and over time we have come to understand and find a medium that works for both of us.

But occasionally I find myself surrounded by people and not finding it natural at all. I feel distance, and insecurity whispers anxiety driven doubts in my ear questioning my words and actions. A world which often feels so familiar loses it bearings and I feel lost by the friends I am surrounded by.

It is not them, it is me.

But I guess what I wanted to express is even extroverts don’t always find it easy being with people.

Yesterday was my birthday and often this is the day I struggle most with it.

I am not sure if its because I have unrealistic ideas of what a birthday will be like; thanks to every American teen TV show. Or more perhaps that it feels like it should be the time I want to see people the most. And yet it is the time I am most insecure, most paranoid and fearful.

A few friends popped in on my birthday this year, and that was nice-there was no hype, or expectation-they were lovely and it was great to see them. But even then I wonder whether I should have done more, put something on.

For my 30th, I went away with my family-it was what every family break ever is in my family; a lot of laughter and food, getting lost on a walk, my mum worrying if everybody has everything, lots of full on debates…and wine which makes it all flow a bit smoother for us. And it was great-I didn’t feel any pressure or want it to be anything other than what it was.

I love attention and I love gifts-but on my birthday I also like some away time, some simple things-breakfast with my family, a good glass of wine, laughing with friends, watching Faith trying to feed her friends fake food (it’s because she’s trying to fill them up on felt fruit so she cane at more real cake…my girl always has a plan when it cmes to food!)

I guess this is meant to be a little note not at all to say ‘pity me I struggle on my birthday with getting shown too much love’…(because that makes anyone sound like a big knob) but despite being loud and loving people, sometimes even the extroverts in us are scrabbling with social situations not knowing what to do.

If only we had friends who lived on the creek that we could climb through their window late at night (because that’s not a tad creepy) and they could explain life using whatever theme of metaphors was set for that season…in case you are wondering it would be birthdays for this scenario. There would be metaphors, similes and moralistic advice all linked to balloons, wrapping paper, blowing out candles etc…

I mock it but I love it…shame on me!! Oh Pacey, lets get a boat and go sailing



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