Lots of things freak me out:
- small enclosed spaces
- big insects (except crickets they are fine…probably thanks to Disney and the noise they make, its nice and you know where they are, they aren’t sneaky)
- the idea that I can be watched through my computer
- large waves (yup dreams of being a surfer or sailor are lost on me now)
- the idea that Michael Burke’s voice will start commentating and I am actually in an episode of 999
- china dolls and porcelain clown faces.
- not bats as such but the scene where they swarm at Batman/Bruce Wayne in the cave…yup that does not look like fun
- most public toilets
- being falsely accused of drug smuggling (please note I would never be rightfully accused of it…its not in my plans for future career path) this is mainly due to the film Brokendown palace.
Please note I am very aware how much this list highlights my privilege in life, and how fortunate I am that I don’t face discrimination down to my skin colour, have the freedom to practise my religious beliefs and have the ease of not facing daily hardships.
But sometimes there are things in life that scare the heebeejeebies out of you because they are what you want. I guess its because the destination you have been aiming for has arrived and the possibility of losing it becomes very real, or maybe its because you don’t feel like you deserve it or are unsure of whether you can handle it once its here.
And that is when the real fear settles in-because often it feels like all of this is out of your control. That may be true…some aspects of life are completely out of our hands and that is scary-you cannot prevent accidents or protect yourself from heartbreak. You can, of course, invest, prioritise and reflect on how things are going…you can take M.O.Ts of your life…but nothing is completely full proof.
For me being pregnant, and actually also in my marriage I have faced real fear and anxiety. I have felt overwhelmed and powerless that I would lose something so valuable. And then I have felt guilty, guilty that I had what others so badly wanted and yet I was wasting my time not enjoying the situation but stressing out about it. Guilty, that maybe I wasn’t the mum/wife she/he deserved.
I have found it helpful to acknowledge these feelings but also to make a point of speaking out against them, praying in peace instead of fear, trying to take the power away from the worry and anxiety. These are feelings that mark my everyday but they are not my whole being…they will not steal my joy.
That is easier said than done-and please hear me when I say sometimes professional help is what is needed to help guide you towards peace-it often takes more than a statement or willing something to change.
But if you are in that stage of being scared about something great I know that feeling and so do lots of us. But one thing to remind yourself of is that this fear is rarely logical or rational-it is a worry of what might/could happen-not what definitely will.
However, for the worlds sake don’t buy china dolls or clowns!