I have been given a little window of freedom-my sweet husband is parenting solo right now-all power to him and praying that she is napping?!
So I need to be doing life admin/write some youth group sessions/and just get some motivation back…because I am in what Dr Seuss describes as a ‘slump’:
‘And when you’re in a Slump, You’re not in for much fun, Un-slumping yourself is not easily done’
We read ‘Oh the places you’ll go’ to our daughter most evenings-it is undoubtedly one of her favourite books along with ‘What the ladybird heard’… (which is a great novel but seems to have an underpinning message of how its good to be quiet…which I can be, but I am pretty certain that is not mine or her natural state)
Anyway I am in a slump…and I came to this nice cafe, but the noise and the heat and the coffee have got me rubbing my sweaty face which has meant I have probably smudged my eyebrows…I know what the heck, I barely bother with makeup but today I shaded in my eyebrows…as if that would help?
I mean my eyebrows aren’t too much of an issue anyway and there is a lot of other stuff to sort out. I mean my skin is grim right now, the heat has caused my eczema on my hands and legs to flare up and dry out and then crack (a bit like our garden right now..except my body is slightly less hairy/grassy?!). And my face has a bumpy greasy sheen…a bit like butterscotch angel delight which hasn’t been whisked well enough…or when you try and whisk it with a fork…it just doesn’t really work.
My clothes are what I was wearing last year…maternity leggings, striped tee and khaki dungaree dress. Despite fitting a 3 month postpartum body well last year…it still fits fine-what a depressing confession.
I am exhausted and snotty, and my head is pounding. It feels like I have been on a bender, it looks like I have too-I haven’t and atm its the last thing I want. I want quiet (damn that ladybird getting into my subconscious) I want a pool/lake/sea and I want space to sort my thought out.
I want some clarity.
My mum came down on Saturday which was lovely…she reminded me I need to get a job, and get back to driving. And reminded my daughter she shouldn’t run in the road, bite people and she should be sleeping through…I think her words to me and my daughter had absolutely zero impact.*
Mainly because we are all just flippin exhausted and yes we know…well I know what I should be doing (my daughter: I am not so sure she has a clue what she is doing) I just have no motivation.
I don’t want to look at job adverts, or apply for a job. I have absolutely no desire to sell myself on paper to then get the pleasure of selling myself in an interview to then have to endure an awkward conversation which at best comes with constructive criticism and at worst is just a load of BS, because they actually had someone else in mind.
And I watched this video on soul pancake last night in the bath about this girl’s journey with public speaking, and most notably she also happened to be dying of cystic fibrosis but she was very inspiring and said many pearls of wisdom including ‘You will never be happy with what you will get if you are not happy with what you have’. It’s a bit cheesy but of course gratitude for the many things I have is important.
So here goes:
- I have a working body,
- and good friends and family,
- a home,
- an empowering partner in crime in my OH,
- a wonderful daughter.
- I have the parks, library and community garden which all provide free entertainment.
- I have headphones so I can now listen to podcasts,
- Friends who lend me books,
- a TV license so I can watch TV shows that stimulate me and make me think, and laugh and cry…and then theres love island!!
- I have a city full of colour and creativity,
- I have loads of old CDs so I can listen to Tracy Chapman, Whitney, Dolly or the Romeo and Juliet album whenever I fancy it.
- I have welly boots and rain coats so I can wade in the water or mud,
- I have whatsapp so I can message my mates and family about weird and wonderful stuff.
- I have collected some amazing pin badges lately.
- I have access to Wilkos and know that they do half price pic’n’mix in school holidays.
- I have neighbours that invite us for impromptu BBQs and toddler teas.
- I have a church family (those who attend a weekly service and those who don’t believe anything but we still count them as our church) who demonstrate love, patience, support, generosity and faithfulness every day.
- I have a notebook and a pen so I can doodle and write down my thoughts and ideas as I go along and write endless lists.
- I have this computer (that Sarah) so I can blog, and look up love island updates
- and I have the knowledge that a diet coke, flat white, long glass of cold water, a G&T, a cup of redbush tea or red wine can usually sort out most things. Or calm you down enough to feel life isn’t completely awful.
I have a postcard in front of me that says ‘Too glam to give a damn’
That ain’t my life-I am not glam and I give a damn.
But I am also so flippin fortunate…and I feel like my head is clearer (it helps that morcheba is playing in the background). Maybe tomorrow my motivation will come back, or maybe it will take a while longer? At some point this eczema will improve and the cold will go. And most definitely I will be more positive in my thoughts again and will have managed to un-slump myself. It is not easily done but it isn’t impossible, as Dr Seuss states ‘Your mountain is waiting, So… get on your way’
And everyone knows that hikers aren’t glamorous but they are strong, brave and conquerors.
*Feel the need to say my mum is ace-and is busy most the time and yet gives so much, so I am grateful she came to help. We just have some ‘jarring’ conversations at times.