The friendship I grieve

Dear old friend,

You and I  have been there through so much. And now you are not there.

But you haven’t died, we just no longer speak. We didn’t fall out-or I don’t think we did. But we haven’t spoken in years. No one thing is to blame, or person, or even situation. Which I sometimes find hard. I don’t even think I would mind if we never explained this season, if one day we could hang out again. Because sometimes things can’t be dismantled with explanation-sometimes there’s a whole host of reasons why distance gets in between, and sometimes we are not sure how it started but it did.

I guess the same with becoming friends. There are people you become like family with, and you are not even sure how this depth of friendship started-one day you wake up and it was like that person was always there.

And although I do know the precise moment I knew you would be an amazing person to have in my life, this moment involved some great 90s music obviously, it also was like you had been there before. Sometimes when you described memories of your past-it felt like that I had been there.

You laughed and cried with me, and laughed until we cried, the one who saw make some special mistakes-texts after a few drinks that maybe weren’t the best idea, but encouraged me in some amazing dance moves.

Even when we disagreed a lot, and I am sure you found me very ranty with my views (which I know I can be) but our friendship seemed to just get past it, beyond it.

These last few years have been so hard without you in them. But possibly the hardest thing has been knowing things have been tough for you, and not being given permission to be your friend through it.

I don’t think you have done this to be mean-you are probably the kindest person I have ever met, and I know you would hate to cause any hurt. But if I am honest it has hurt, I have been grieving for a friendship that straight from the word go felt so deep. I don’t blame you.

I rarely know which friend I should speak to about what. When I have faced crisis, and I have been fortunate to not face too many, but I don’t always know where to turn. But I do know I can’t turn to you at the moment, that right now that is not possible. I don’t write this to place responsibility or blame on you-you take on too much of that anyway. I think we can be friends without some huge reconciliation. People hurt each other all the time without meaning to, I have probably hurt you and I am sorry.

I am sorry if I wasn’t the friend you needed.

I am surrounded by great wonderful love filled people but there will always be a space waiting for you.

I wonder if you will read this, I wonder whether you’ll hate that I have written this? I hope not, I hope you see it as a thank you for all you are and a letter of hope that one day we can speak again.


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