Obviously taken from the brilliant Mean girls:
I am not really sure if my teen insecurities coming out to play have anything to do with it being January, or the moon or the fact that we are isolating for the second time this year and I feel pretty bitter about that?
But I have noticed similar feelings and behaviour to some of which were commonly held by me when I was 15. Not the thoughts about the possible resurgence of 70s fashion, although I do still wonder if I should have gone wider with my Jeans and bigger with my earrings and jewelry. I feel like if you own it when you’re a teenager then you can do anything…actually I’m just not sure our small town was ready for that?! And also as a teen the last thing you want to do is stand out on your own…because that is embarrassing and lonely, stand out with your crowd-well that’s popular but on your own, nope.
And maybe it’s the isolation that I am feeling, the out of step with friends and family so that when I am seeing people I am finding it hard to gauge their thoughts. So I go to classic insecurity 101 ‘urghh they hate me/think I am too much/wish I wasn’t here/ wonder why I am wearing this/doing that??’
I feel like an absolute twerp even writing it down but these thought have had too much air time this month. From wondering if my colleagues think I am up to my job? To feeling like the most lame ass mum and wife because I spend all my time watching shitty shows on TV rather than actually being productive and planning. Or you know maybe repaint our peeling furniture or sort out our lounge.
I shared a post today on my stories the said Dolly Parton wrote ‘Jolene’ and ‘I will always love you’ on the same day and I have been “preparing to vacuum” for the last month. Although that is a joke, who prepares to vacuum?! Unless the thinking ‘I need to vacuum’ is the preparing? It highlights that we are our own harshest critics.
Is anyone caring that I have skip watched various seasons and series, most of which I would not recommend. Or that I have basically spent most of my energy doing LFTs in the mornings and then the 15 minute wait time feels like an eternity whilst I try and plan every eventuality of work/school/nursery/isolation.
Noone cares. Which in itself is sad. But people want to hang out with friends and do stuff, I do not care if you are wearing what you wore the last 10 times I saw you or that your hair is windswept or your nails all bitten down, or just broken…my nail strength is at an all time low.
I don’t care if you have been super productive and redecorated your whole home or in fact are, like many of us, heavily invested in wordle and all of its many offshoots. If you say something inappropriate then I won’t be judging you I will be actually feeling more at ease around you.
So now I have written this I will try and take my own advice and not analyse my every interaction with others or worry that the parents in the playground are judging me, or that the teens I just walked past at laughing at what I am wearing.
After all, if nothing else it’s nearly February. The Chinese New Year…and year of the Tiger (that has got to be a good thing right). plus it’s Valentine’s Day in 2 weeks…waffles and mimosas at the ready!