This feels super personal at the moment (not personal in the ‘over share’ way I can be…have no fear male friends, or female friends who’d rather I didn’t-and sorry for the times I have!!)

I need to get a job, financially we are at the stage where we need me to earn. I was self employed during my pregnancy, and so have no ‘official’ job to return to, so I have started looking, and applying actually. There are a few jobs I have seen with really amazing projects that I would be proud and excited to work for.

And as most people who know me are very aware, I always imagined I would work. I enjoy it, and I appreciate the way it makes me feel like I have ‘done something’. Don’t get me wrong-being a mum is the hardest thing I have ever done, in fact battling colds, coughs and bugs this week has made me truly believe that scaling a mountain is totally doable in light of trying to keep a very active, inquisitive baby alive and happy!

(Disclaimer I have never climbed a mountain (despite it being on my 30 before 30 list-really need to, Will try in the next year!)

Ok so back to the job front-there are so many positives to getting a job-I just didn’t think it would be now…before she is 9 months old.

The idea of having part of my week away from me, whilst everything is changing…it breaks my heart.

I am well aware that I am so fortunate to have had this time with her, that many mums and Dads get stripped of that luxury-and I think that, well that is really really shit.

I am just trying to express the slight anxiety ridden hole I seem to have fallen down, and I am not quite sure if I can get out for a while?

Also there is the small and yet highly significant issue of whether I can even get a job, my feelings about my capabilities skyrocket and dive by the minute. There are times when nothing seems impossible and I feel like I can storm life, but they are quickly surrounded by a lot of self-doubt about whether I can even string a sentence together let alone send a bloomin mail merge (do we still use mail merges? Am I still lost to the 90s with that chatty paperclip on word and fax machines? I never actually learnt to use a fax machine, I think I could already tell then they wouldn’t last long)

He was a wonder wasn’t he?

I literally feel torn by all these big, and small decisions which seem to be growing off the big, decisions and all of this has just happened.

I have just helpfully processed a lot of my concerns with my wonderful sister-in-law…and basically guys, the system is shit-and as a mum (but we agreed it was the same for many Dads) you feel pulled in many different directions and there just isn’t enough of you for all of it..and there are positives but it will be hard and I need to just face it! (She actually said a ton of other incredibly wise stuff but that is what I am going to leave with you)

If only Faith could be either more productive (like do small tasks) with her time or just chill out and enjoy sitting next to me quietly…neither will probably ever be my reality, and you know she hasn’t mastered walking or talking yet, so its quite a lot to ask her to try and do some filing!

Just needed to clear the fog around me…we will just have to wait and see what happens next…