It’s January…I am a cliche, like nearly everyone else in Europe I struggggle with this month. I feel deflated and bleurgh, I want to clear my head and my body-but I seem to be already playing catch up and drawn to TV (which as I have mentioned before is a love of mine, but alas I find myself watching shit TV -and not the ‘so cheesy its brilliant’ just the rubbish). Like half episodes of Lewis, where I never really understand who anyone is but I am just wasting away time, time that I don’t really have,
I want to buy stationary and work out clothes that fit-but we are broke, and Mike winces every time I open my wallet which makes me slightly tense, because my wallet likes to be opened-its just that kind of character. It’s like me, its an extrovert-and struggles when it has to stay at the bottom of my bag.
And my body, well on a positive my stretch marks are fading because my stomach is growing again, and the happy gurgling it makes is not from a baby but because its being fed on copious amounts of chocolate, cake and sweets. Initially we were using up treats that were left over from Christmas, but then we bought ‘extras’ because we were bargains. We vowed we would share them-but alas we didn’t-I ate them! And then I would go for a walk-enjoy the fresh air-and then order a hot chocolate with syrup, marshmallows and cream and yeah put a cake with it-why not?
So here I am…typing whilst I eat pudding (yup that hasn’t stopped yet) and wondering how to snap out of this food coma/mood sucking funk…
And my temptation is plan something, book something…go on an adventure!
Because that is what I do in January, I jump on the adventure bandwagon with such force that the bandwagon breaks free and I find myself derailed and hurtling at great speed. Which is thrilling and wonderful for a while and then the realisation that I am committing money, time, energy that I don’t have to something I haven’t really thought through hits me and then I feel sick and PANIC.
A brilliant example of this is that I often would develop massive crushes on often quite inappropriate guys at Uni because it was January. Some of my friends noticed and would often warn me not to do anything reckless like text them when I have drunk too much (good advice regardless of the month) or kiss them on a night out…but instead wait a few weeks, until February because it was likely that I didn’t really fancy them at all.
This is how I knew it was real with Mike, it was October when we met. By ‘real’ I mean I actually liked him-I still made a stupid error the following January by telling him I loved him when I wasn’t sure I actually did, just because I longed for something to be happening in my life and relationship. FYI he responded with silence (his usual reply) and then ‘thank you’ (said in a slightly sceptical way) to which I burst into tears and anger and then declared I wanted to take it back because I wasn’t sure I actually did love him anyway.
Oh the fun he has with me!!!
So back to the present day, I will try and eat better and spend less but I will also try not to make any life altering plans/book any epic holidays on a credit card or anything on that ilk…well at least until February.
I am all for an adventure, but maybe not one that is being sold to you through the internet because companies know you are sitting in your pjs eating your third pudding looking longingly at sale outfits you can’t afford and are therefore easy prey to the enticing ‘change your life’ sales pitch.
Adventure right now looks more like; going somewhere new on a walk, setting aside time to pray and think, creating your own bullet journal, listening to a podcast or reading a book you got given for Christmas, taking that stuff to the charity shop.
Less crazy but still a sense of achievement.
Save the wildness for February and Galentines Day!!!