Here are a few: fklklcmxigsxalcderfni
Yes I am that tired that I find myself funny. It is a sad state of affairs that today on my walk, I thought I miss laughing until I cry, until my stomach hurts and I fear I might pee myself…despite all of these consequences being much MORE likely its a rare occurrence-so much so that I considered fake laughing on a golf course, so as to induce real laughter…yes thats how desperate I became. It didn’t work-I guess you need other people to help out with that one?
Right I have seriously digressed-Anyway I write letters to Faith, I actually starting writing them pre her existence, when we had decided to try for a baby (what a GAWD AWFUL expression-I am sickened by myself for using it, and the images it brings with it).
But yes I wrote letters to her before I knew who she was, or even if she would definitely ever come to be. They are mainly prayers…prayers that she will be fearless in life, and not scared to take risks, that she is loved even though I make mistakes, I love her fiercely. They are encouragements to be kind and compassionate even when it is not easy and to be honest even when it seems terrifying to show people who you are. They are letters written furiously in the middle of the night when I struggled to sleep, or in the early hours before the day had begun. They are sometimes apologetic, wishing I had done things better…I still have yet to reread the one I wrote after her birth. In part because its still a bit raw, however I have strong feeling it will be illegible and written in the haze of morphine and other such friendly drugs.
The letters are the explanation space, the extra info we often wish we could give to others when we spend time with them. To let them know that despite our short tempers, or becoming so easily distracted (this is ALWAYS me-I am so sorry) that we do care, and we are interested.
And finally they are a bit of a guide to being a woman, not that I am the most clued up on this shit but because well its tough. And its always changing…in lots of ways for the better, well done Oprah on the most kick ass speech, well done Caitlin Moran on your bloomin brilliant writing…but it is still difficult for all of us really.
But Faith my biggest hope is that you will find these letters free-ing, that they will wrap you in love and you will be so secure that you will find strength to be yourself, shedding all the anxieties, fears, stresses that we find piled upon us.
Also I hope you can read my handwriting, otherwise it really was a waste of time!