If I could

Please know that if I could I’d be around yours in a flash, putting the kettle on and rifling through your cupboards for favourite mugs and shouting to you in the other room whether you wanted ‘coffee, tea or something stronger?’ Simultaneously, opening the packet of biscuits I bought, scoffing one, and arranging the rest on a plate (because I have some decorum).

If I could I’d be squeezing you and your newborn, saying silent prayers of life and love over them, smiling to myself at all the history and hope that is encapsulated in this little one. All whilst making you laugh with my inappropriate questions and stories, then waxing lyrical about the magical people that are womens health physios and trying to reassure you that your genitalia will get back to normal soon.

If I could I’d be crying with you whilst laughing, because the two seem to always go together. We’d be grieving whilst celebrating the life that was but not fulfilled. I’d be holding your hand and filling the air with love and the belief that better days are ahead, communicating this by words or just thought.

If I could I’d be around yours, dragging you away for just an hour whilst we stomped out all the bloody awful, not fucking fair, news you have had. Pounding the earth with our feet, drinking out of a can like 15 year olds and feeling entitled to as well, because you have been dealt a shit hand right now. As our trainers ground the dirt and kicked up the dust, we would pretend we were dancing in a desert (Who knows maybe even at a festival) and ignoring for just an hour the reality ahead.

If I could I’d be singing All Saints to you down the phone, transporting us to the 90s and memories of our fledgling friendship when life seemed so full of possibilities which was exhilarating and also overwhelmingly endless. I’d be looking shit but feeling like a queen. Because despite having others to think about now, and loving and owning that responsibility, you always make me feel like we are back there when it was all before us.

If I could I’d be dancing with you, in wild abandonment, sweaty and shiny at the same time. Something almost divine in the movement of everyone’s body to the rhythm. With someone always screaming ‘this is my song I love this’ as their arms are raised up. Or in a moment of craziness trying to enact that music video because Gin/friends/endorphins have you believing you too look that good whilst shaking every cell in your body.

If I could, I would, please know that I would.

If I could I’d be with you in a second.

I will move heaven and high waters to be there at some point soon.

I may not be there yet, but I will be.

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